sitting at a bedside vigil for 24 hours…praying that things are better when you are taken out of the drug induced coma, praying that the ventilator keeping you from further damage is doing its job, praying that your children don’t have nightmares from seeing their dad strapped to a hospital bed, praying that you’ve learned your lesson.
thinking that maybe we gave up on you too soon, dealing with you and your addiction was too much for us to handle. for more reasons that you will ever know. but still the guilt creeps in.
we still love you. but we’ve done it from a distance. it was too much to bring our kids to watch your addiction take over your life. We built relationship with your kids, poured the love we have for you into them.
Now, we are just where we always knew we’d be….watching your addiction control you.
none us of know what its like to be you. none of know how to help you deal with the storm inside of you, the drive that tells you “its no big deal, i can stop whenever i want.” yes, you can and you did and you landed in ICU. no one wanted this not us, not your kids, not your sister, not your mother and especially not you.
the doctor told us yesterday that it generally takes 5 tries for an addict to get clean. for recovery to finally take place. that sounds like a very long journey.